The Chump Lady Survival Guide to Infidelity: How to Regain Your Sanity After You've Been Cheated On

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The Chump Lady Survival Guide to Infidelity: How to Regain Your Sanity After You've Been Cheated On

The Chump Lady Survival Guide to Infidelity: How to Regain Your Sanity After You've Been Cheated On

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We know pretty much all of us try to save our marriages. And in this case, he’s actually doing what she requested. Do I think he has pure motives? No. I’m sure it’s about keeping his family together and probably even more so about keeping his money together (my husband didn’t want a divorce and I know it was 99% about keeping his money together). But he is at least willing to undergo this public embarrassment to do it which is a lot more than most of these guys. I came to see through my own mess that I should only be obligated to those that I choose to be obligated to, and only to the extent that I choose. I learned that kinda late, but now I’m only friends with healthy, safe people. I have only a handful of relatives on my side. One is safe, and one is in late-stage dementia and difficult, so I have certain parameters with her. I have others on the periphery that I have to interact with that I’m guarded with, and that’s fine. I’ve let go of others entirely. As a therapist friend likes to say, “I don’t do crazy. I decide what crazy is.” I think for my ex this was totally it; I was this smart, well-respected, pretty woman w/lots of friends and a great life. Other than good-looking, he had none of that (although he hid those facts well). I was also really active, got tons done, and had fun doing it. XH used to say, “You want to know about ME? Wow! My favorite subject!” But he’d say it in such a charming manner, everyone would laugh, including me. He’s a Southern boy – just like his father – and charm (and BS!) runs in his veins. It’s pretty remarkable the writer would protect a cheater when she was cheated on herself.Hasn’t learned anything at all yet I guess about the deep damage cheating does to ppl or even herself.

Nwrain – I had another academic wife tell me that universities were one of the few “good old boy” institutions left where women willing dropped trou to get ahead. I am happily flawed. And I didn’t cheat, and I would have a hard time living with myself if I did that to somebody, and that’s probably a flaw too . I am a fellow chump who 4 years ago was betrayed, gaslighted, emotionally abused, on and on, by my partner of 8 years. He cheated with a married coworker and I was devastated, traumatized and Chump Nation was my savior.

When he left he whined that “you wouldn’t help me. [Slut] is nice to me. She gives me all the time in the world.” This is while actively planning my discard… It looks like he already had my replacement lined up during this time. This is the exact reason I never got to meet my Aunt Leigh. She was cheated on by her husband, and when she found out, she killed herself in her garage. Her coward son of a bitch husband disappeared before my mom could come after him and give him what he deserved. This happened before I was born. I’ve only seen one picture of her, but I’ve been told about what a wonderful woman she was. Ironically, he’s the one with the highly profitable profession (at which he is very successful), great networks, terrific hobbies and all that shit. I actually looked up to him and thought he was great. In his twisted mind, he thought I looked down on him. He was such a liar, he thought every time I said something nice, I was lying, because that’s what he would do.

It’s not just with me that he did that. In my chumpdom, I didn’t see the red flags. He did it with friends too. He would only cop to what he thought would make him look good and then fill in the rest with his bullshit. He made plenty of innocent people look bad by flipping around the story or re-writing history so he could look like the better person. I should have figured he would do it to me too. As to the argument of method disclosure and imitation, you’re omitting the fact that a person has to be suicidal to begin with. It isn’t as if a perfectly happy person reads a news article about a person gassing themselves and thinks, “huh, I think I’ll try that next Thursday after my yodelling lesson!” In my darkest moment, I sat on my bed with a gun in my mouth because I just wanted the pain the stop. The only thing that stopped me was my son, he would have found me. So I sat there and tried to come up with ways I could kill myself that would be easier on him. I thought of driving the car somewhere and shooting myself in the car but a woman who owned a local restaurant by us actually did that and they didn’t find her for a month in the summertime in Las Vegas and it was horrifying when they did. (Her family was looking for her, they just couldn’t find her.) So I thought, I need them to find me and I want him to be able to have my car. So I thought of a spot where I could park the car, get out, call 911 and tell them where to find me, and then shoot myself. I can’t even pinpoint exactly how he communicated his disappointment in me. He was really so good at being subtle about it. But yes, the house was never clean enough, meals never fancy enough, sex never frequent enough or with enough variety. His less successful attempts to undermine me were when he would tell me stories of his patients who never had to change a diaper, and blah blah blah. At least I could see through those and I would actually protest and say that’s nice for them. But I guess even those still made me feel shitty like I wasn’t doing as much as some other women out there. Like I’m this big meanie drag of a woman who expects too much from her man. When the reverse is what was actually happening.Perhaps her other friends and parents can support her. There can be little doubt that mental health and emotional state play into death by suicide. You don’t know what went on in her marriage. All very sad. All true. But her reaction was to treat him as Plan B, and cheat on him. One doesn’t have to lead to the other. Really? Because you seem pretty clear that such betrayal is abuse when it happened to you. Why would you want to be supportive of someone abusing their partner? When L told me about the affair I did my best to be supportive, but I saw all the signs of abuse and trauma S was experiencing. She had stopped having sex with him and started getting caught in lies about her naughty communication with other guys. L was gaslighting S to the point of him acting irrational and in her eyes “controlling” (insert eye roll). She became so spiteful and hateful of him and I begged her to leave him.



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